Just Plain Mixed Up

So everyone wants to know why it takes me so long to write new blog posts and I’m just going to tell it like it is.

As you know, I am a parent to 4 beautiful children. Now, parenting has many different responsibilities of course and can take quite a bit of time if done properly (after all, setting up the DVR so that it records every single episode of Lilo and Stitch requires time and great concentration), but the God’s honest truth is that as far as I can tell 90% of being a parent consists of handling poop in all of its various forms. The other 10% involves trying your hardest not to scream when your three year old son informs you that the brown stuff on his fingers is not from a Chocolate chip cookie (as you wishfully suggested) but is in fact… poop.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t have time to write every day because when I’m not at work, I’m busy picking up poop in all of its various forms and in about a million different places it was never meant to be.

In fact, I think all of those parenting books are a total waste of time. What they should be focusing on is various techniques for dealing with Poop. For example, Chapter 1 should focus on teaching parents visualization techniques whereby they can “imagine” themselves on a Carribbean island as a way of coping with a particularly odoriffic (I just made that word up) poop. You know the ones I’m talking about, that truly memorable poop that you just can’t forget even years later, where the smell is so bad that even to this very day your mind wanders back to that first whiff whenever your nose meets a smell it doesn’t like. I’d like to see a Dr. Spock chapter on THAT.

And while I’m on the topic, was the idea of creating a children’s book character named Winnie the Pooh some English guy’s idea of a sick joke because I don’t think it’s funny anymore. I doubt he had four kids and I certainly doubt that he has ever had to catch a poop in midair (as I once did) in an amazing display of parental dexterity combined with pure stupidity (diaper changing rule #1 is, of course: NEVER let the poop roll out of the diaper and on to your Mom’s couch unless you want to hear about it for the rest of your life).

Now, in my case, this important job has been overly complicated by the fact that my three year old toddler Declan has decided that he is a dog, which means that he now takes a poop whenever the mood strikes him, right there on the floor. He has also decided that he doesn’t need to tell anyone when this happens, which I’m guessing is the result of his desire to be as authentic as possible in his emulation of a dog. After all, dogs don’t walk around telling everyone about their latest poop, and so why should he?

What’s even stranger about this is that our dog, upon witnessing this behavior, has decided that he is a three year old toddler and whenever the mood strikes him he will pee right on the bed. The amazing thing about this is that the dog also walks around the house with a pacifier in his mouth, which he has a habit of stealing from my one year old son Luke. Once again, I can only assume that this behavior is intentional on the part of the dog as he tries to act like a toddler with as much realism as a canine can muster.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out how in the world this happened. The toddler won’t listen to me when I tell him he is not a dog, plus the dog doesn’t want to hear anything about not being a toddler. They’re all happy as pigs in poop but I frankly find the situation untenable.

And so, the next time you wonder why I haven’t posted in three days, just remember that I’m probably busy scraping three day old poop from my bathroom floor while muttering under my breath about that big jerk Winnie the Pooh. Such is the life of a parent in this mixed up world.

Comments

[AdventureDad]

A dog? That's hilarious. Perhaps not for u that have to pick up the poop. My son is not 100% potty trained yet but thankfully accidents are not too common.

Sounds like u have plenty of somewhat weird stuff going on at home...

AD

[Fred K]

Why do you say it's Winnie the pooh?
I thought it was Winnie the poop.